Nobody will read this because I murdered my blog

Two good nights of poker killed my social life. My friends won't hang out anymore. It was worth it. Would you rather have $80 in cash and a belly of beer or a half dozen grumpy teachers talking about their lousy jobs in your kitchen? Exactly.

This post will fly through cyberspace as untouched as Brandon Tate on a punt return. It will bounce against a distant wall and come echoing back toward its lonely creator.

I'll keep it to myself

I picked up a copy of Stephen Linn's The Ultimate Tailgater's ACC Handbook. That very special day, the opening Saturday for college football, is just 21 days away. I will be ready.

In past years, I published preseason predictions for the Heels. I get only about half of it right. Andrew Wasserman never faked a kick to beat the Wolfpack. John Bunting never switched "Hills" to become the president of the United States; my favorite teddy bear of a man isn't even around anymore. I never hung a rubber pair of Carolina blue you-know-whats from the groin of my car.

So enough with predictions. I will keep my vast knowledge to myself. Don't try to beg it out of me. Just know that my calendar has a Tar Heel etched lightly in pencil next to January because basketball season might have to get the hell out of the way.

Oreo compulsive disorder

My girlfriend diagnosed me as an obsessive-compulsive Oreo dunker. Here is my recommended method.

1. Pour milk into scotch glass, leaving at least a half centimeter at the top for milk displacement on first dunk.

2. Put milk back in refrigerator immediately to enjoy future dunking.

3. Open either end of Oreo package completely, but do not tear sides.

4. Slide cookie tray out of package, exposing two to three cookies in each of the three rows. Do not completely remove tray from package.

5. With thumb and pinkie on the inside corners of exposed tray, push back each row with index, middle and ring fingers.

6. Remove cookie from longest row.

7. Rotate cookie to locate strongest edge of cookie with most cream.

8. Pinch said edge with index finger and thumb.

9. Dunk cookie into milk as far as possible without letting fingers touch surface of milk. Soak for four to six seconds. If fingers touch milk, give milk to girlfriend and pour a new glass.

10. Eat whole cookie in one bite.

11. Repeat steps 5-10 until satisfied.

Hustler

I finished moving into my townhouse yesterday. My girlfriend and I worked on my favorite piece of furniture, a handmade chess table, for 12 difficult hours. I enjoy chess and tried to get her into it one night last week in Chicago. She nearly beat me in the second game of her entire life. I've played countless times in the distant past.

Today we used the finished chess table for the first time. She beat me handily while saying that she "just wanted to finish in the morning" for most of the match.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," she said, staring down at my feeble king and four pawns. "What should I do next?"

My girlfriend might be a hustler.