Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sign this and get geeked up

The Atlantic Coast Conference kicked off its football media season this weekend. A couple players from each team gathered in Greensboro, Ga. for golf, dinner, foosball and Wii. Each player pair answered questions from the media. Carolina safety Deunta Williams and wide receiver Hakeem Nicks politely answered their moronic questions.

Most Carolina players and coaches give vanilla answers because the athletic department trains them to. I have another idea. I would like to answer their actual questions with uncensored honesty. Italicized text represents real questions from this weekend.

J, thank you for being here this weekend.

No problem.

We understand you're an unconditional optimist, a fan who has predicted conference championships for eventual losing seasons. You must take losses hard. You were very close to beating N.C. State last year. And I mean very, very close. Like this close. Do you think about that? Is that on your mind?

What's on your mind, you rubber-eyed dump bomb? We won four games last year and still almost beat those tobacco-spitting farmers. Maybe you don't know this, but we've beat them in 11 of our last 14 meetings. We hold a 63-27-6 record against State. They have a pathetic inferiority complex, but I can't blame them. They were picked to finish last in the Atlantic this weekend. We stuffed Touchdown Almost McClendon in 2004, and you can stuff it right now.

I know you also support the basketball team. I don't care what you say, Hakeem and Deunta play at a basketball school because you know how the fans are.

What do you mean I know how the fans are? Have you ever been to a game at Kenan? Look, I went to the Notre Dame game in 2006. Their fan experience is respectable, but the Carolina fan experience is better. We already set attendance records for the 2008 season, and it's July.

You should see the drum corps on Polk Place. Cheer the team on the Old Well Walk. Play beanbag over brats. March into Kenan with the band. Go to the Tar Pit and have 20 Tar Heels climb all over you after a touchdown. Close your eyes for a game-winning field goal. Exult when the Heels make that final goal line stand. Race onto the field when it's over. Trip over the hedges. Hang on the goalposts. Hug the players. Rush Franklin Street. Eat a beefmaster frank. Answer the bell. Then you can tell me you know how the fans are.

You're right. I haven't been to a Carolina football game. I live with my mom and knitted the nancy sweater I'm wearing on football Saturdays. Enough about me. Do you feel like the football players have to live up to something or prove something to the basketball team? Do you feel like you have to tell the fans that Carolina is a football school as well?

No. They know we are a football school. Are you from the Republic of Djibouti?

No. You mentioned Notre Dame earlier. You played them last season.

We played them two seasons ago. Are you a journalist?

I'm not a journalist, but I have a blog. You're over the culture shock of playing Notre Dame. You've got them again this season. Are they just like any other team?

Notre Dame is a different kind of team because they suck more than any other team. They lost nine games last year. They have lost nine consecutive bowl games since 1995. We will eat them alive and spit them back out to NBC, a company that recently drafted the most illogical sports contract since the Red Sox lost Ruth. Notre Dame is overrated hogwash.

Can you tell me what it means to be ranked second in the Coastal right behind Virginia Tech?

I wonder how the votes would look on Sept. 22 when we will be 3-0 with a convincing home win over the Hokies. Stuart Scott will be the special guest at ESPN GameDay in Chapel Hill for the Notre Dame game. Everyone will hop on the bandwagon. But if you need a list of the original faithful, the men and women who are not just fans but sons and daughters of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, then look no further than the comments and testimony below.

Click here for the press conference:

Click here for the story on the ACC preseason projections:


  1. The time is now!

  2. Where are you heels??? I'm signing this and I went to school in Cali.