Toots

My girlfriend and I have dated for 18 months. Recently I noticed that I toot around her more than ever before. We thought back to how we handled these situations previously and outlined a five-step evolution for courtship toots.

Step one: Subconscious toot restraint.
The human body does not allow itself to toot when close to unfamiliar company. This involuntary restraint condenses a man's toots to moments of solitude.

Step two: Conscious toot restraint.
The human body ceases to conceal toots from conscious thought prior to release. The human brain senses the toots. However, the brain is not conscious of the existence of step one, so the man is convinced that he has tactfully concealed toots since the beginning.

Step three: Tooting downwind.
The man maintains the awareness of step two but surrenders the will to hold it until social isolation. This change usually takes the form of tooting in another room or, in fewer instances, lifting the distant cheek and letting go. Step progression could retard to step two if the partner detects these secret toots. In lesser men, toot detection in step three could result in a jump to step five.

Step four: Fair warning.
The man is familiar enough to the woman so that she can understand he toots. The man gives a courtesy warning a few seconds before the release. The woman may or may not move but appreciates the prior gesture.

Step five: Unfair warning.
The man and woman are so familiar that the man releases toots without warning. The man issues a post-toot declaration of fault. The woman generally prefers step four to step five.