My girlfriend and I went to The Lady & Sons, Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah, Ga. If you don't know who Paula is, go to YouTube to find her shaking inexplicably with her eyes crossed while eating a pumpkin loaf. It is . . . so good.
Stranger than Paula's eating habits was her employee and our waitress, Morgan. Morgan approached our table with her eyes on the ceiling, and they never moved. Only her twitching shoulders and nose distracted us from a two-minute, run-on sentence that announced the specials for the night. We applauded her when she finished as if she was four.
Oddly, Morgan did not act sheepishly around her other tables; she acted normal.
"She has a crush on both of us," I said.
"She thinks we're famous," my girlfriend said. "You look like Jim Carrey, and I look like Katie Holmes." That seemed only half true and unfair to me, but I didn't have time to complain. At that moment Morgan performed a burlesque show masquerading as a birthday gesture for the table next to us.
"Moon River, wider than a mile," she belted with the jazzy, low chords of a lounge singer and the courage of a threatened lioness.
"Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker . . ." she continued, tossing her hair and shaking her breasts. The diners continued to clap to the beat but with less enthusiasm. Their mouths opened with genteel surprise.
We arrived at a third explanation for her behavior: a functional mental disorder resembling Mary Catherine Gallagher. And then we arrived at a fourth: Candid Camera. Look for us on television.